My testimony of conversion and deconversion

I wrote several of such, pointing out diverse aspects, and incomplete. Here are a few version I happened to write in diverse times, in bulk.

Sun Feb 05, 2012

Posted in Former Christians: How did you gain then lose your faith?

I converted to evangelical christianity by myself (from a rather non-christian family and surroundings in France), then stayed there for years, and then painfully deconverted quite late (in my taste), based on my own thoughts and experience (missing the chance of having checked existing arguments earlier).

I always believed in the existence of life after death, naturally and as something obvious and intuitively just as undeniable as my own existence, from the first time the question was raised: namely, when I heard about Near Death Experiences during my teenage. After this, as I was a science lover, I read some popular science magazines, and found something disgusting there: articles denying in principle the possibility of afterlife in the name of science and reason. This pushed me to consider reason and the scientific method as corrupt and misleading practices inducing blindness of the mind, a sort of foolishness away from the deep truths in metaphysical issues.

Something else that went wrong for me, was the school system. I had the chance to develop my own understanding of maths and physics (up General Relativity at the age of 16) during my free time, but aside this, my experience with school (an ordinary one, that did no way adapt to my skills, where, as for mathematics, I had to "learn" things I already knew most of the time at the same speed as others) was so painfully boring. I think the academic system gives a quite terrible image of science.

In the way I perceived things at that time, one of the worst absurdities taught by school was the history of the so-called "social progress" consisting in the abolition of child labor. What ? They believed they did something good by "abolishing child labor", seriously ?
Indeed I was feeling like a convict in a penal colony, as a pupil in this school system. I even felt jealous of the working children of the past, as while they may have not been free of what they were materially doing, at least I imagined they could somehow be free of their mind while working; but I wasn't, persecuted as I was by both the bullying by my mates, and by the stupidity of the courses. I was forced to sacrifice the life of my mind to serve this Cult of Nonsense (the school system) that this world was serving without tolerating any question. So, this world was actually dominated by a reign of evil forces. And these evil forces were set up as they were by... the secular human intellect. How could I understand and find a voice, a way out or something, with whom I could share my desperate pain and observations of how corrupt this world is ?
When I met Christianity (ideas and humans), I found it innocent of these evils. It offered me "sense" to the terrible suffering I went through, and (implicitly through their theology) agreement on the fact that this world and its dominant "intellectual" voices were corrupt and evil. The environment of brotherhood and nice songs I found there sharply contrasted with the bullying and other absurd things I suffered until then in the secular world.
When I was Christian, I hardly ever seriously cared to know about the atheist arguments. Why ? First because they are atheists, that is, they think there is no God. How could this be ? The laws of physics are so conceptually wonderful, they can only be the expression of a wonderful divine mind. How could all parts of the universe be connected together (coexist), unless there was a sort of underlying unity of all existence ? How could I see a motivation to stay alive despite all the bad things I was going through and keep fighting for a better world in these desperately painful circumstances, unless there is a sort of divine justice, a sense of mission for my life, a hope to be rewarded and paid back for all these sufferings and efforts after I die ?

But Christianity did not keep its promises in my life. My feelings went from bad to worse. While I badly needed to find love in my life, God did not keep the promise (as told by Christians) of providing what I really needed to morally survive. It became physically more and more impossible for me to worship God. On the contrary I could not avoid cursing Him for what I suffered. But cursing God is the way to hell, isn't it ? Moreover, fellow Christians did not understand my troubles, and their preachings to keep trusting God went flat.
My faith crumbled as the Christian teachings and ideas that formed my view of life, turned out to seem more and more absurd, empty of meaning. So I could not stand my life and my faith anymore, but where could I go ? How can I dare to contradict God, if Christian teachings are from Him ? I seemed to be smashed in a dead end as I expected no understanding of life and no hope of a positive afterlife outside the Christian faith that I was in but where I could not stand anymore.
But at the moment when finally all my conceptual world collapsed, just one thing remained in my life, the only possible open way out of this nonsense: the presence of near death experiences, that I could readily get informed about, to check the truth about afterlife: is Christian faith and worship of God necessary for salvation ?
This is how I found the answer: no, Christianity is not true, and more refuted than supported by the information we have about afterlife from near death experiences. The chances to reach heaven are not affected by religious orientation or piety, and there are strong hints for the existence of reincarnation, contrary to what Christianity teaches.

Once I was out in this way, I could rebuild a worldview, finally acknowledging and formalizing a big lot of evidences against Christianity that had more or less silently formed in me before.
And then I was surprised to see, both that Christians refused to understand but instead condemned me for my new understanding, and that I turned out to have a lot of agreement with atheist views. While I still believe in the existence of afterlife and the supernatural, I finally agree with them on most of their arguments against religions, and the value of science and reason.

Debunking a Christian's insulting misinterpretation of my above testimony

One wrote me "if God not giving you a girl was one of the defining moments of your deconversion then I think you're missing something."

My reply:

A cause of my deconversion was my endless depression, my resulting physical inability to worship God, and the unfair guilt it produced while trying to believe a doctrine telling it an absolute duty to worship God : trying to make me guilty (and maybe deserving hell) for not succeeding the impossible was not fair. I had not taken any decision that the solution out of depression should have been a matter of finding human love. Yet it was a fact I could progressively less and less deny. Related topic : God's promises.

Mon Feb 06, 2012 

Proving a negative

Theorem. Nobody on Earth was ever guided by God in the last decade.

Proof: If God had the opportunity to guide someone, He should have used this opportunity for emailing me the address of my future wife (and/or emailing mine to her).
But this didn't happen. Therefore no such a person existed. ◻

I guess what Christians would automatically reply to this proof: they would argue that no, this request is not right, I did not really need this, God had reasons to not do this, greater plans than this, better purposes to fulfill.

To this my reply is that, well, they can imagine so, but this requires assumptions about my life that are light years away from what it clearly is to me - and I'm not making this up.
I cannot in a few words show enough of my life and experience to prove to their satisfaction the moral necessity of this expectation, but to me it is overwhelming.

Just a few details to figure out what I mean, though the complete proofs would be much too long and hard and out of subject to convincingly explain here (and, of course, too far away from the Christian ideology to seem plausible to Christians at first sight... which is one more evidence to me that Christianity is evil as it hijacks the goodwill of people away from the necessary understandings for truly efficient good actions) :
I have read and heard many hundreds of Christian testimonies praising God for different things. And I noticed that all these reasons were either imaginary (with no evidence of the reality of the claimed blessings, for example as in paragraph 39 of Faustina's diary) or much more short-sighted than the deceived expectations that forced me to conclude that God does not help.
Because I discovered very important things to do with my life for the good of humanity, but destiny (which nearly anyone could have helped but none did) made these stall until now.

Another option for God would have been by the same method to give me contact with future partners to implement my software project that would bring new uses of Internet that would be very helpful to millions of people (and somewhat helpful to many more), including tools to more easily find the truth, secure online transactions of any kind, contribute to justice, freedom and prosperity, and a new online dating system that would bring love to millions of people.
But this did not happen either. Neither by direct contact with partners, nor indirectly by anybody with the basic sense of mission to care about finding some. Neither the direct divine inspiration to anybody else, of a similarly useful plan for the world.

Neither any similar type of divine guidance: despite the numerous cases I heard of Christians (and other spiritual people) testifying that God gave them their love, none of them ever got it in a way similar to the one described above, while, I think, this should logically have been one of the easiest and most efficient available methods for an omniscient God to do as soon as He can guide anyone. Why ?

Without these bad lucks, I may have stayed a devout Christian until now, and also done great works to bring new ideas for the teachings of mathematics and physics, that could have become popular to a lot of students. But being abandoned this way wasted my energy, forced me to curse God and then deconvert and expose many arguments against Christianity. Can that be God's will above giving me the chance to do the other very useful things for mankind, seriously ??

October 2016

(posted in a FB group)
I am deist and used to be Christian. So what I left is not the abstract general concept of God's existence but the many particular details of Christian doctrine, starting with the presence of divine guidance and the meaningfulness of the "relationship with God" which Christians claim to have and that is supposedly available to anyone who decides to give Jesus their life (as I found it failing to happen to me...). Nothing to do with the fear of death, but much more with the fear of the insanity of this world, and the fear of missing my mission on Earth.
One thing that initially seduced me is all those "testimonies" of people claiming to have God in their life, as they were speaking in such a way that looked as if such a relationship with God was readily available, real and meaningful. So I thought I needed to follow their teachings until I would get such guidance myself and would get from God some clearer mission (that time never came). I must also say I suffered depression, especially by the mental torture inflicted to me by the school system which heavily posed as representing "reason" and the world's order (while I did much better science in my free time), which made plausible the Christian equation "world = reason = reign of Satan" (now I see a big flaw with this motivation : Christianity is actually powerful but never cared to criticize or try to resolve the troubles of the education system). So I was psychologically in a situation of weakness, in desperate need of something that looked friendly, some end of the tunnel of a hostile world. Going from a school environment where I was regularly bullied, to a Christian environment that felt much more friendly, had a strong influence on me. Also, Christianity offers a candidate "sense of life" (both as understanding and purpose); the rest of the world did not seem to care where life goes.
So yes I was initially deluded by the Christians claim of being in relationship with God, until I understood that they are only in relationship with their own faith and their own extremely sophisticated system of excuses (practiced honestly, without any intention of fraud just because they happen to have faith that this is the spiritual and truthful way to think, as they are not skilled enough in logic to understand things otherwise) to keep pretending to "see" God in their life when no such thing really happens. So I was trusting them, and I guess most of them are similarly just trusting each other, feeding that rumor from nowhere, failing to pay attention to what it should logically mean to have their own "testimony" before calling it such... as for me, probably thanks to my logical skills I was still aware that that divine guidance in my life I was desperately expecting, still did not effectively occur yet. So I was shutting up and religiously listening to those who seemed to have found what I was searching for... I regret to not have thought about it before : if the goal was to open some communication channel with God to get some divine instructions for my life, and if those Christians around actually succeeded it for theirs, it would still not justify that long and hard path of praying / bible studies etc, that visibly kept failing for years without clear instructions, desperately trying to "purify myself" enough to reach that point: a wise God speaking to people would already have used others since long to report to me any useful instruction he had. So logically, I finally understand, if God had nothing really interesting to tell me through the mouth of other Christians (well they somehow seemed to have, you know, these big enthusiastic preaches of pastors to their audience... but it turned out to be too "general", lacking any effective results and adaptation to personal cases) when I was not "spiritual" enough to hear Him myself, then there is no sense to expect anything more once I would "reach the spiritual level" of those same Christians.

Related pages

My guide to conversion and deconversion
Some logical refutation of Christianity - Evidence against theism.